Emotionally Intelligent ppl ask ‘what’ and ‘how’ to understand ‘why’

Rohit Talukdar
2 min readMar 29, 2023

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Qs that start with How and What seem less confrontational than asking Why

I recently read an excellent article on medium that talks about how asking ‘why’ often implies undertones of accusation and makes the responder often go on the defensive.

So while some curious folks may ask ‘why’, it can often rub off the wrong way. So instead of coming across as pushy and nosy, here are some alternatives I intend to use the next time I am curious.

Instead of :
Why did you do that?”
ask
“What were you trying to do?”

Instead of :
“Why is everyone so upset?”
one might ask:
How did we get here?”

When identifying root cause

Instead of :
“Why do you want this?” and “Why do you need this?”
ask:

  • What happens if we don’t get this done?
  • How do you plan to use this/that?
  • How are you thinking about this in terms of priority?
  • What problems does this/that solve?
  • How does this/that resolve the issue?

When questioning something’s value

Instead of :
“Why does this/that matter?”
ask:
What do you think will happen if we have to delay this/that?

  • What happens if we don’t do this?
  • How does this/that align with our strategy?
  • What other ways could this issue be resolved?
  • What else have you tried/should we try? (Indirect, but it works)

When unpacking a leadership decision or process

Instead of
“Why did you make that decision!?”, “Why are we doing it this way??”
ask:
What were the reasons we went this direction?

  • How do you see this working long term?
  • Can you explain the bigger picture?
  • What was the intention behind this/that?
  • How is this helpful? (Tip: leave it at that. Don’t add “to you,” “to us,” etc.)

Additional tip for success with this

a. When you are asking questions, give people time to respond. Be okay with a little bit of silence.
b. Ask one question at a time, and resist the urge to clarify what you mean before they respond. These are straightforward questions that don’t need clarification.

If you find yourself clarifying, you’re probably just trying to fill the silence. Don’t do that. The more they speak, the more information you obtain.

In summary, like the article says:

What and How imply a sense of curiosity, whereas Why can feel accusatory.

Read more about it in this excellent article.

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